check please!

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 7:01 PM

0

There's no way I'm saying it, I really don't love you
There's no point in faking it, I just wanna get above you
I could tell you that you're the greatest, the best I ever had
Write love songs and deep poems, and confessions to you about
How insanely mad I am, in the head, of course,
But I wouldn't tell ya that, that'd be bad, and probably ruin the sexual intercourse
And all our haves and have hads would just be memories that wouldn't last
I couldn't do that, not to you, not yet
The water's still very warm, and I wanna dive in and swim
Skim the bottom, fishing out skeletons of all my dead reasons
Past relationships, and broken promises, and you wouldn't like that
Now would you?
Okay, alright, I'm being a bit melodramatic here
Could you sit down and hold back those tears while I try to make my intentions clear?
You see, I'm not looking for someone to get me, to try and understand me
Go ahead, have fun with that, but you'll never see the real me
I don't fucking put my emotions out on display, leaving you discombobulated while you sit in disarray
I'm not sorry, and no, that's not a game I play, because you can shove your sympathy up your ass if think you wanna set me straight, or get me out
Or whatever the hell you saviors do, trying to help people you don't know
Ah shit, please don't cry, seriously, are you even gonna try? Look, just think about it, I could've lied...I could've lied...
I'm not this great person that you've been led to believe
You think I'm some sort of romantic who wears their fucking heart on their sleeve
And it's violent, baby, it's a violent world, not rainbows and sunshine
But hey, kid, you're a dime, if fucking you is some kinda crime,
I'd pay the price, cause you help me kill some time
That probably sounds really, really bad...but, it's the truth, I mean, it's what you asked for
I know you...didn't ask for this, any of this
To be honest, you're really great, kid
You know, they told me the same thing they told you...you know, you got potential
But uhh...some of us are uhh...a bit different
So don't take this shit personally, okay? Someone's out there waiting to be loved,
And you've got what they want, and maybe that'd be a good start for you...
And thirty years from now, when you're married or somethin',
Remember whatever this was...whatever we had...
And just know that when I said I didn't love you,
I lied,
For your own good.

fone convos.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in , , , | Posted on 7:55 PM

0


w/Killian (boyfriend) that were never deleted because my fone doesn't notify me
when it gets really full.
I picked the cute/weird parts of convos.

6/26
Emily: I love you, my little steamed dumpling. :3
Killian: I love you too baby! That was random and cute :)

Emily: You're crazy...for me!!! :D
Killian: Maybe a little...
Emily: LOL! Only a little? Ouchhhh!
Killian: Ouch! I said maybe! Maybe a lot...
Emily: Maybe a lot? Yay! Better than maybe a little!
Killian: Maybe lol
Emily: I love you too, haha.
Killian: ? I love you..?
Emily: Lol, of course you do, silly!
Killian: What else would I do?

Emily: Signatures are lame, lol.
Killian: ... That was random.
Emily: There we go! signature!

//pseudoserenity
Killian: Thought you didn't want one?
Emily: I think they're annoying so I made one xD

//pseudo serenity

Killian: You should kill your signature lol
Emily: I just did lol
Killian: Nice! Great minds think alike

Killian: I don't think I ever told you, but you're a great writer
Emily: what!?
Killian: Yeah, your letter and all that you wrote
in your book, you write really well
Emily: what!?!?!?
Killian: What what?
Emily: You mean it?
Killian: Why wouldn't I?
Emily: I...I'm shocked.
Killian: Why?
Emily: Just...I don't know.
Killian: What Emily? It's true, I was just letting you know..
Emily: It's not bad at all...I'm just happy.
Killian: You have an odd way of showing it lol

6/27
Killian: I really like the bracelet.
Emily: Really!? I thought you'd hate it...
I'm glad you like it =)
Killian: Honestly...when you said what it was, I thought I
wouldn't like it, and I thought I wouldn't wear it other
than with you...but! I do like it, and I've got it on
sittin here with andy lol

Killian: We're crazy lol
Emily: lol, why do you say that?
Killian: We go through all these odd mood swings and stuff lol
Emily: Yeah, I've noticed, but we always drift back, which is nice
Killian: Well, it's never a big drift, and I couldn't let you go anyways :)
Emily: Haha, really now? You wouldn't have to; I don't
plan on going anywhere =) Damn. We really are weird...
Killian: Well that's good, cuz I don't think I would like
it very much if you weren't around. Yeah we are! I like it :)
Emily: Lol! I like it myself as well! I've never really done
that with anyone. And I wouldn't like it very 
much if you weren't around.
Killian: I haven't either lol. It's pretty awesome if I
say so myself. Good, because I don't plan on going anywhere myself :)
Emily: I guess we're gonna have to put up w/each other for a long time. :3
Killian: It's not much of putting up with as much as it is enjoin it :p

Emily: Do you honestly think I look slutty with a monroe? Be honest.
Killian: No, I don't. Like I said, it usually does, but it
doesn't. I don't really like it, but it's your stuff, and I can deal lol

Killian: ...
Emily: ...
Killian: Okay..
Emily: Well this is weird.
Killian: How?
Emily: I dunno o__o
Killian: Oh.. Sorry
Emily: For what?
Killian: All of this
Emily: All of what...?

Emily: Has anyone told you you're spectacular?
Killian: Maybe some crazy little Asian girl.. Whom 
I just happen to love!
Emily: Hah! I wonder if I know her.
Killian: I dunno.. You two are like.. Complete opposites

Killian: I figured if you like em, they're good lol
Emily: Lol I'll take that as a compliment
Killian: Well, you usually have a good taste with music

Emily: Grr, I still want venoms...
Killian: I don't think I could stand you getting one XD
Emily: You and your urges! lol

6/28
Emily: I love you too...please don't leave me.
Killian: Why would I leave you baby?
Emily: I...don't know.
Killian: ...do you seriously think I would leave you? 
You should know...I wouldn't, I love you too much.. 
You should know that Emily..

6/29
Emily: It kind of just...hit me, and we don't need all these petty 
tension-filled conversations, so I'm uppin' my game, haha. 
So, it was an awakening.
Killian: Well that's good.. I'm sorry that I don't help those 
situations. So I'll step up too :)
Emily: Haha! Yay! We're actually making an effort! 
-dances w/a party cone on my head-
Killian: Nice cone lol.
Emily: Thanks, I made it myself ;)

Emily: Don't ellipses me w/your ...s! Lol xD
Killian: Why not?
Emily: Cause!
Killian: Cause why?
Emily: Cause!
Killian: But.. But.. Why?
Emily: Cause! xD, lol goooodness, I love you!
Killian: I love you too! What a coincidence!

6/30
Emily: I wanna see splice ;p
Killian: I heard it was really really bad
Emily: Lol me too, that it wasn't as interesting as it seemed
Killian: Yeah, so why do you still wanna see it?
Emily: To see how bad it is xD

Emily: Makes sense-ical. :) besides, we have each other.
Killian: Which is more than enough
Emily: Ohhh yeahh ;) but really, you're all I need.
Killian: And you're more than I need.

Killian: I love you too much
Emily: Too much?
Killian: Yep. Cuz it can't suck this much to have a 
person you love just enough that faraway.

Emily: I'm glad you do, makes my world spin.
Killian: Really? How does that work?
Emily: It...moves in a weird clockwise motion situation. xD
Killian: I'm glad for your loss
Emily: I'm glad you've lost the game
Killian: But I haven't
Emily: But I seen a rainbow yestuhday!
Killian: So? I still no has a sammich
Emily: A cold glass of sarcasm comin' right up. 
Would you like a hot, steamy bowl of Carlos while you're at it?
Killian: Just for me? How sweet! I'd rather not...
Emily: I think you killed Kenny, which can only mean we're 
not in Kansas anymore. Dammit! It's so fucking sunny in Philadelphia! -melts-
Killian: That's not tasti either
Emily: I'm just randomly quoting things. BUT there's no 
gold at the end of the rainbow. Goooodbye horses.
Killian: Hahaha you're too much babe
Emily: Lol, I know, too much, too little, too late. If I rearrange my room,
we can take these cookies out of the oven two minutes early.

Emily: Shaken not stirred, Watson. xD
Killian: What?

7/1
Killian: I feel...I feel like I've been given something I don't deserve. 
That for once, I have someone I can depend on, and someone that I know 
will always love me too, no matter what. And I don't think I could live without you.
Emily: Really? Why do you think so?
Killian: Because nothing else could ever make me this happy

Emily: I...I'm crazy...I am fucking out of my goddamn 
mind crazy for...you...like...

loved.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 11:00 PM

2

And as I sink, drowning, I fall deeper into love, so deep, that I cannot emerge.

here//here//here//

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 6:04 PM

0

He told me things

And I smiled

I didn't believe,

Never could

Crash, bam, screech

Ouch, painful

Eyes are so bloodshot

No sleep

And a very Merry Unbirthday to you...

Wake up, no, it's no dream

Crashing...falling...oh...

I'm falling

Here and here and here

And everything was so messed up,

But he was okay

Fingers slipping, edge of the bathtub

Can't breathe, no air, no oxygen

Help! Help! Help!

I need somebody...not just anybody...

Drowning

Am I alive?

His hands...big hands...

There and there and there

And everything is so fucked up

But I'm okay

I think

I'm okay

Breathe, hold it, scream, live

Life isn't life without you

No, don't tell me what's wrong

I hate this

Worthless piece of shit

Don't fucking tell me

Can't breathe...without you, but I have to...

No life revolves around you

I don't need you

Eyes, racing back and forth

Where's the time?

Were you chasing it??

FUCK

And everything is so fucked up

But I'm okay

I can't feel my feet

So numb and so lifeless

Skin wrinkling underneath the waves

Can't get out//don't want out

Breathe, can't breathe, no...

Where are you?

My sweet, sweet oxygen

And everything is fucked up,

So fucked up,

And everything is fucked up,

But I'm okay
I'm okay

I'm okay

I'm not okay

...I promise

Computer Deletions.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 5:09 PM

0

Computer deleted my shit off muh flashdrive.

I can vaguely recall your electronic ink filling up the spaces
The computer effortlessly worked to remove your random colors
And I welcomed it with a grim smirk, a furrowed brow, madly thinking of murdering the thing,
The computer, of course
However, I decided to write again, this time with more feeling and comfort
More effort and thought
So here we go again,
This thing entitled “Poems”
It will be written again,
My words seeping into the paper,
Thanking the damned thing for giving me a new start


Needing.
Pale legs moved gracefully as they tangled up the white sheets
The moon’s curious beams trickled through the bedroom window,
Fell victim to the night’s shadows and retreated back into the sky
The sound of her smile pierced the silent emptiness hanging in the air
Her long, dark locks seemed to move by themselves, hugging the pillow tightly
And the darkness that crept into the room swallowed the weak girl before her,
The 32 pills strewn about the floor in between the carpet’s soft teeth
A chill rapidly ran down her spine, and she sat up in bed immediately
Then a hand touched her shoulder lightly; fear tried to coax her back to sleep
Yet, the colorful plethora of pills called out to her
And spoke of some beautiful utopia hidden in the depths of an artificial, temporary slumber, a world she could go to on command
However, it wasn’t the comatose her body yearned for...it was the attention
Every time a tiny capsule scraped her insides,
She became one step closer to what she needed
In her chipped strength, her appetite consisted of attention, craving any bit of affection she could receive
Her feet, with a mind of its own, felt the thick texture of the bedroom carpet
The dim silhouette on the wall reflected the reality of her needs
Bending down to pick up a brightly colored helper, she grinned madly
I crawled that night
My body twisted into mad shapes, contorted into an obscure thing, worked its way through all obstacles before me
My heart worked madly at my form, created a macabre design for me, stepped back and admired the architecture
That was when I came to you in your lowest point
Everything and everyone around me aspired to break me in two
So that night, when you were feeling a bit down, I gave you half of me
Walked through those doors and reached out to you
Grabbed your wrist, my fingers wrapped tightly around them
Pulled you harshly into your messy bed while tears dripped down your face
I held you through the witching hour
Twirled your hair around my fingers and wiped away the drops trickling down your pale cheeks
I held you...loved you...
...as you cried yourself to sleep.

Canvas.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in , , , | Posted on 6:56 PM

1


You were once my canvas,
So blank, dull, colorless
I came alone, armed with my words as my finest medium,
And you sat still, waiting, motionless...silent
And I embraced your apathy
Sensed your discomfort and replaced it
With my own loving hoping you'd respond
But you didn't
Yet I continued to paint my love on you
With pastels and sharp lines
I dug into your white skin,
Dragged my "brush" across your body
Felt the sting in my heart when my paint began to chip
As if it were allergic or aging with every bit of my forced passion
And I violently glared at you
As you rejected me, my loving, my soul
The sound of your silent reply,
The cracking of my once radiant abstract,
The remorse buried beneath the surface of your rough exterior
Laced my body with ice,
Froze me into a permanent statue
Only meant to move for you and you alone,
My words, my paint, fading, leaving you
Blank canvas on the white floor...
...becoming one with the surroundings as my immovable body stands lifelessly
Forever waiting for your heart
My own chambers engraved with your scars...
A product of our one sided affair

Anna.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 9:30 AM

1

A picture of Anna I took

A funny smile welcoming me in
And you're oblivious to your open, fragile heart
My own finds comfort in yours, opening up and letting you in to see the scars
Do you want to?
I'd let you...run your fingers over them,
The scabs on my beating organ
I always seem to be peeling off, never healing
You sit, maybe in fascination
Do you feel like me?
Are we human at all?
I wanna be like you, green eyes with shining words imprinted on them
Your hair pulled back into a ponytail, always so neat and clean
And the strokes you make with your thin pen leave me grinning at your talent
Sometimes I yearn for you, my friend
I wish we were closer in ways you don't know
Do you feel like me?
Are we human at all?
Asleep, your ideas free float in your dreams of metal men with ghost like facades with common names such as Nate
Was i normal before I met you?
Have we ever been such a thing,
This normal we have yet to taste?
Holding your cold hand, I grin at you,
Though I'm sure my brightness only seemed so dull in the presence of your illuminating beauty
And I shiver, goosebumps,
While little rain drops fall from your green mirrors
I only wished to be your friend,
Something more for you,
You needed it
And needed me in a way,
But it was different
There was more to you than what first glances allowed me to see
And I had to know you,
Imperfect soul, devious minded creature
Was I normal before I met you?
Were you normal at all?


And I can't speak
And I can't think
I breathe, and I listen
And I need to hear that you're okay
I need to know that there's more than sadness in you
And some days your soul shines so bright
It fills my emptiness in forms of cute smirks and friendly stares
and I knew, I just knew
You were more than a girl,
You were a friend, someone I could let in
And you've proven me wrong time and time again
Sometimes I lay in the middle of the night thinking
Do we feel the same?
Am I your best friend?
And I want that,
I want you,
Friend, best friend,
Anything
With
Meaning
I see your heart warming hand gestures
And make note of them,
Perhaps learn to love through you...
....perhaps learn to love myself

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