cute.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 6:00 PM

3

E: Throw in a fucking smiley face somewhere xD I wanna know you're happy!
K: I am happy :)

 

E: Btw, ima make like a Pokémon master and choose you!
K: Really? What kind of Pokémon am I?

E: Erm.. will you be my Charmander? He's my favorite :/

K: He was one of my favorites too, and of course.

E: Well good. You're my favorite person, so that works nicely.

 

K: Our love is like the sunrise, no matter how bad the day has been or what happens, we’ll always know that it’ll be there in the morning.

 

Things like this make me love you all the more.

Killian and I, again

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 6:02 PM

0

Me - You're the greatest friend anyone could even hope for, much less have. You're loyal, strong, honest, reliable, opinionated, and amazing.. there's just this weird quality about you that makes you so awesome to everyone around you. People lack a lot of that, nowadays. On top of being emotionally supportive for others, you always better your character. You're always improving who you are by changing things you do or looking at things from a different angle. I really admire that about you. You've got a good head on your shoulders, baby. I don't know many people who really do, you know? You also think logically and realistically. You know when to not let your emotions get the best of you, while other times, you can't help but be human.

And that makes me really, really happy, knowing that you're capable of messing up. That's how you came to be who you are today.. by experiencing things, not by trying to avoid getting hurt. I'm glad you've been hurt in the past, and I'm glad things have been tough for you, because you wouldn't be the same person without those things.

(I'm not done, so don't respond yet)

Killian - I'm not sure I'll know how to respond..

Me - You're so smart and responsive, baby.. you have so much potential. You take information given to you and expand your knowledge. I love how you're so justified when you say that ignorant people pushing away information being given to them is annoying, because you don't do that. Every experience and situation and connection and relationship and encounter leaves something to be taken away, and you almost always seem to be so receptive to that.

(still not done)

Not only that, but you have this.. impulse, I guess, to help others. You may not care about a lot of people, but the people close to you are so special. I know you'd do anything for any of them.. and that's why I feel so honored to be considered, at the minimum, your friend, close friend. Do you know how long I've been needing/wanting/wishing for something like this? I've never felt so close to someone before, and it's something I've always yearned for.

(still not done)

And I don't know.. every day I wonder how I deserved to be in this relationship with you. Why am I so important, you know? Why would I, out of a million people, be the one you would even THINK about calling your other half? Your best friend? The love of your life?

(don't reply)

You've taught me a lot, about the world, about you, about myself, about people. I've learned so many lessons from you.. I've grown faster, because of you.. I've so much of my life to blame on you. No, you deserve the credit. You really do. You're my hero, and you can't even believe that.

You're the only person I'd ever give anything up for, truly. You're the only person I'd ever sacrifice my life for. You're the only person I'd come running to.

And it hurts me, so much, when you can't see the things I see in you. I see a wonderful, amazing, talented, and hard-working man that I respect and admire, to the depths of the world.

Worst of all, you had to come into my life.. and be more than just my acquaintance. We couldn't stop at just being people who knew each other because of our mutual friends from choir. We couldn't stop at just being semi-friends who didn't have any in-depth conversations. We couldn't stop at just being friends who liked each other. We couldn't stop at just being lovers, people who happened to be in a relationship with one another. Hell, we couldn't even stop at being just best friends.. we had to become something so much more, something so much bigger than YOU and ME and US, even, if that even makes any fucking sense, which it does-fucking-not.

(don't reply; pardon my language. Sorry)

AND I SOMETIMES HATE HOW YOU KNOW ME SO DAMN WELL. GAH. I hate that sometimes, Killian. You sometimes know me more than I know me.. and that scares the shit out off me, sometimes.. there are times where I try, try, try to step out of myself, look at me, and see what you see, but I don't, and I can't, not right now at least.

K - I can't do it for myself either

Me - There are times where I feel like.. you know my steps before I do. Part of me really loves that about you, that you can be so good at reading me, but the other half of me is pissed off, because I don't want to be easy to read, but in my trying not to be, I am.

(don't respond xP)

When you first told me that.. there was something different about me that caught your eye when you first met me, I felt.. beautiful, mysterious, and unique. Like.. you, you, you couldn't figure me out at first. You had to dig deeper. There was much more to me than.. any of what you saw. But it's like.. I've lost that. I want to be familiar for you, I want you to know every part of me like it's yourself, but I want to be mysterious.. I want to do a couple of things that throw you off, not on purpose, but because that's who I am. I want to be.. unique and beautiful and lovely and mysterious and secretive, and I don't want you to know me completely, I want to keep you guessing.

But.. I love you. I love you, I do. I never thought I'd ever love anyone so much.. and it really doesn't feel like my love for you is even human, but at the same time, it is. It can be selfish and jealous and hurt and happy and tired and excited, but.. I love you like no human should be able to love another human being. It just seems SO FUCKING WRONG and NOT FAIR for someone to be able to love someone like this, especially against their own will.. I didn't want to love you at first, but I did, and I do, and I'm in love with you, and you make me feel like I'm the only one that matters in the world.

And I hate it when people say shit about teenage love, because I don't think that's what we have at all. Maybe it's the part of me that wants to be taken seriously.. but I want you to know that I love you because my love for you is REAL, which is something beyond human, immortal, and all that fancy stuff. IT. IS. REAL.

I'm rambling.. feel free to jump in anytime, now.

K - I... Have no idea what to say... You blew my mind baby. This is what I want from you. I want to know what's going on in your head. It's things like these that keep that mysterious edge to you. I love you too baby, more than I ever thought possible

Me - I did? I'm.. sorry? I didn't mean for all my thoughts to just.. come pouring out. I'm sorry.. but I'm glad I could still be a little mysterious :3 I'm glad you do, Killian.

K - Don't be sorry! That's what I want. I want to hear, I want to feed off of what's in you, I want to learn, and grow, with you.

Me - That's so beautiful, baby.. and I'm glad you're responsive to my thoughts and feelings.. thank you for learning, and growing, with me.

K - You really know that you mean everything to me?

Me - I really know that, sweetheart. <3

fone convos II.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 4:16 PM

0

E: I love you too, my sweetest, dearest, most amazingly beautiful best friend.
 

E: You quite literally are my best friend. And I love you, with all my heart..

K: And i love you too, you're just too good to me..

E: I don't know what I'd even be without you. I wouldn't be complete, that's for damn sure. I don't know what I'd even be without you. I wouldn't be complete, that's for damn sure.

K: See! You're too amazing. There's no way i'd ever be able to be as good as i am without you

E: You've taught me so much about life, not just about yours, but about mine, and the choices I have made and will have to make in the future. You're like the big brother I've always wanted, Killian, which sounds weird to you, but it doesn't to me. My brother's a distant, fucked up guy, my father used to abuse my mom, my sister in Rockwall was abused by her husband, my uncle bill threatened to throw my aunt ellen out of their house down near ft worth, and I never talked to anyone in my family really, so I never saw a real healthy relationship in my family, or had someone in there that I could rely on. But you're kinda like an older brother to me, because you guide me, help me, love me, teach me. You've done a lot for me, a lot, more than words could ever do.

K: Oh wow... I didn't know i meant that much..

E: Before I met you, I was so confident and sure of myself, like, about my knowledge and what little I knew about the world. Then you came along, and impressed me with how much you knew.. It surpised me, because I judged you, a lot, and didn't expect you to be as smart as you are. You've taught me about it being okay to be wrong or embarrassing or loose, chill, mellow, calm or confident or whatever every once in awhile...that it's okay to "mess up," and that I don't need to be so serious all the time. I've never been in love with anyone, until I met you. When I fell in love with you, I realized how much I loved my friends, and that whole connection thing I have that you don't understand or agree with has been influenced by you, because you're the reason I even know what real love is. Before you, I..

K: You...?

E: I wasn't complete. In fact, I was content with my emptiness. And then.. I met you. And when we started dating, I knew I'd have to have you always, because I had never felt so strangely for a person so soon, and that was something that I didn't want to ever feel with another person ever again. You know what's weird? I don't think you took anything from me, other than a lot of the sadness and anger in my life. I feel like.. That night, I didn't lose anything, I gained. I gained a special connection.. As if, that night, I was not just me, but part of something bigger, like I connected with someone in a deep, personal, emotional way, and it made me even more happy to know that I could share that special moment, that..."awakening" with you. Seriously, it was like an epiphany, that you were the one I wanted to be with, always.

K: Oh wow.. That's.. I don't have the words to describe..

E: You are one of the most beautiful people I know, Killian. I feel honored to be in your life, that you let me in, that you LOVE me, that you are.. Mine. I'm proud, like I mentioned on fb, that you're not only my best friend, but you're the person that wants to be with me, always. I will NEVER leave you, I simply can't, and my heart will never stop loving you, whether I want it to or not. I understand that your past has messed up your view of yourself, but I want to help you rebuild or fix that image with the years that pass. I want you to eventually, one day, see what I see, and understand why I can't take my eyes off you, or why I love you, why I can never stay mad at you for long, or why I think about you every second of everyday. Even if it does't happen anytime soon, I will spend the rest of my life trying to help you, and I hope that one day you'll love yourself, almost as much as I love you.

K: I love you.. So much.. I.. I'm speechless.. Honestly..

E:  I wouldn't ask for anything else, other than for you to eventually love yourself, or even like, at the least. You don't have to say anything, actually. =)  You and I are a lot alike, in certain areas. I noticed that a lot of people could come to us for their problems, and we were like, I quote your old blog post, "one use application[s]," or something of that nature. I've felt that way, that I could be a reliable friend, that I could be EVERYBODY'S girl, that my mission was to make everyone happy while still conserving enough energy to make ME happy. That's one reason I've always felt attracted to you, that we were the reliable, caring people, that people leaned on, talked to, came to for advice, and I felt as if.. We could understand each other on that level.

K: You quoted me?

E: Yes, I did quote you ;p your post on MySpace, from last year. I never wanted to ask much for you, or even ask at all, and I felt like you felt that way, too, that you didn't want to push or want too much from me. And it was like.. Finally, I'm with someone who doesn't take. You receive a lot, baby, you rarley take from me, and for that, I didn't feel drained, constantly. I didn't have to give too much or take anything, we just.. Were, it was all mutual. After we started really connecting, I started to see you, this person not everyone else got to see. I love you too, dearest. You mean everything to me, everything.

K: It's.. Wow...

E: You're one of the few people I've ever really bothered with. It was strangely easy to open up to you, and I was.. And still am.. So vulnerable, but stronger and more confident in who I am, because you've helped me become so. You're like my personal cheerleader, hehe, because you support me, and encourage me. You've helped me.. Believe in myself and my abilities. Out of all my close, not best, just close, friends, you're one of the only ones I'm sure of. Everyone else is iffy, besides Michael. I honestly would be lost without you. You've influenced so many of my choices in my life, and I never thought you could. I never thought we'd be best friends, because I never felt like I could measure up to the people that were closest to you. But you'll always be my best friend, Panda. My heart would be empty and most likely broken without you there to fill the void and take care of it, the way it should be. And before you, I ripped the stitches out of everything, picked at all the scabs, but you've taught me patience, and now a few open wounds have healed in my life. And rest assured, I know you'd never leave me, so thank you, for everything you've obviously done and everything you weren't aware you did.

K: Your words are so.. Beautiful.. There's nothing to thank me for.. You've given me more than i could ever give you

E: Beautiful? Speaking of which, because of you, I've come to terms with a lot of my insecurities, and I've realized that I AM beautiful, inside and out.

K: You are! Ha! I will save the message

E: I just.. I'll spend the rest of my life making things up to you, but one thing will always be constant, and that's that I love you, sweetheart. You're so kind to me, so sweet and real, and honest, and I could not ask for a more perfectly imperfect person to accompany me on this adventure called life.

K: I completely agree.. I love you..

check please!

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 7:01 PM

0

There's no way I'm saying it, I really don't love you
There's no point in faking it, I just wanna get above you
I could tell you that you're the greatest, the best I ever had
Write love songs and deep poems, and confessions to you about
How insanely mad I am, in the head, of course,
But I wouldn't tell ya that, that'd be bad, and probably ruin the sexual intercourse
And all our haves and have hads would just be memories that wouldn't last
I couldn't do that, not to you, not yet
The water's still very warm, and I wanna dive in and swim
Skim the bottom, fishing out skeletons of all my dead reasons
Past relationships, and broken promises, and you wouldn't like that
Now would you?
Okay, alright, I'm being a bit melodramatic here
Could you sit down and hold back those tears while I try to make my intentions clear?
You see, I'm not looking for someone to get me, to try and understand me
Go ahead, have fun with that, but you'll never see the real me
I don't fucking put my emotions out on display, leaving you discombobulated while you sit in disarray
I'm not sorry, and no, that's not a game I play, because you can shove your sympathy up your ass if think you wanna set me straight, or get me out
Or whatever the hell you saviors do, trying to help people you don't know
Ah shit, please don't cry, seriously, are you even gonna try? Look, just think about it, I could've lied...I could've lied...
I'm not this great person that you've been led to believe
You think I'm some sort of romantic who wears their fucking heart on their sleeve
And it's violent, baby, it's a violent world, not rainbows and sunshine
But hey, kid, you're a dime, if fucking you is some kinda crime,
I'd pay the price, cause you help me kill some time
That probably sounds really, really bad...but, it's the truth, I mean, it's what you asked for
I know you...didn't ask for this, any of this
To be honest, you're really great, kid
You know, they told me the same thing they told you...you know, you got potential
But uhh...some of us are uhh...a bit different
So don't take this shit personally, okay? Someone's out there waiting to be loved,
And you've got what they want, and maybe that'd be a good start for you...
And thirty years from now, when you're married or somethin',
Remember whatever this was...whatever we had...
And just know that when I said I didn't love you,
I lied,
For your own good.

fone convos.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in , , , | Posted on 7:55 PM

0


w/Killian (boyfriend) that were never deleted because my fone doesn't notify me
when it gets really full.
I picked the cute/weird parts of convos.

6/26
Emily: I love you, my little steamed dumpling. :3
Killian: I love you too baby! That was random and cute :)

Emily: You're crazy...for me!!! :D
Killian: Maybe a little...
Emily: LOL! Only a little? Ouchhhh!
Killian: Ouch! I said maybe! Maybe a lot...
Emily: Maybe a lot? Yay! Better than maybe a little!
Killian: Maybe lol
Emily: I love you too, haha.
Killian: ? I love you..?
Emily: Lol, of course you do, silly!
Killian: What else would I do?

Emily: Signatures are lame, lol.
Killian: ... That was random.
Emily: There we go! signature!

//pseudoserenity
Killian: Thought you didn't want one?
Emily: I think they're annoying so I made one xD

//pseudo serenity

Killian: You should kill your signature lol
Emily: I just did lol
Killian: Nice! Great minds think alike

Killian: I don't think I ever told you, but you're a great writer
Emily: what!?
Killian: Yeah, your letter and all that you wrote
in your book, you write really well
Emily: what!?!?!?
Killian: What what?
Emily: You mean it?
Killian: Why wouldn't I?
Emily: I...I'm shocked.
Killian: Why?
Emily: Just...I don't know.
Killian: What Emily? It's true, I was just letting you know..
Emily: It's not bad at all...I'm just happy.
Killian: You have an odd way of showing it lol

6/27
Killian: I really like the bracelet.
Emily: Really!? I thought you'd hate it...
I'm glad you like it =)
Killian: Honestly...when you said what it was, I thought I
wouldn't like it, and I thought I wouldn't wear it other
than with you...but! I do like it, and I've got it on
sittin here with andy lol

Killian: We're crazy lol
Emily: lol, why do you say that?
Killian: We go through all these odd mood swings and stuff lol
Emily: Yeah, I've noticed, but we always drift back, which is nice
Killian: Well, it's never a big drift, and I couldn't let you go anyways :)
Emily: Haha, really now? You wouldn't have to; I don't
plan on going anywhere =) Damn. We really are weird...
Killian: Well that's good, cuz I don't think I would like
it very much if you weren't around. Yeah we are! I like it :)
Emily: Lol! I like it myself as well! I've never really done
that with anyone. And I wouldn't like it very 
much if you weren't around.
Killian: I haven't either lol. It's pretty awesome if I
say so myself. Good, because I don't plan on going anywhere myself :)
Emily: I guess we're gonna have to put up w/each other for a long time. :3
Killian: It's not much of putting up with as much as it is enjoin it :p

Emily: Do you honestly think I look slutty with a monroe? Be honest.
Killian: No, I don't. Like I said, it usually does, but it
doesn't. I don't really like it, but it's your stuff, and I can deal lol

Killian: ...
Emily: ...
Killian: Okay..
Emily: Well this is weird.
Killian: How?
Emily: I dunno o__o
Killian: Oh.. Sorry
Emily: For what?
Killian: All of this
Emily: All of what...?

Emily: Has anyone told you you're spectacular?
Killian: Maybe some crazy little Asian girl.. Whom 
I just happen to love!
Emily: Hah! I wonder if I know her.
Killian: I dunno.. You two are like.. Complete opposites

Killian: I figured if you like em, they're good lol
Emily: Lol I'll take that as a compliment
Killian: Well, you usually have a good taste with music

Emily: Grr, I still want venoms...
Killian: I don't think I could stand you getting one XD
Emily: You and your urges! lol

6/28
Emily: I love you too...please don't leave me.
Killian: Why would I leave you baby?
Emily: I...don't know.
Killian: ...do you seriously think I would leave you? 
You should know...I wouldn't, I love you too much.. 
You should know that Emily..

6/29
Emily: It kind of just...hit me, and we don't need all these petty 
tension-filled conversations, so I'm uppin' my game, haha. 
So, it was an awakening.
Killian: Well that's good.. I'm sorry that I don't help those 
situations. So I'll step up too :)
Emily: Haha! Yay! We're actually making an effort! 
-dances w/a party cone on my head-
Killian: Nice cone lol.
Emily: Thanks, I made it myself ;)

Emily: Don't ellipses me w/your ...s! Lol xD
Killian: Why not?
Emily: Cause!
Killian: Cause why?
Emily: Cause!
Killian: But.. But.. Why?
Emily: Cause! xD, lol goooodness, I love you!
Killian: I love you too! What a coincidence!

6/30
Emily: I wanna see splice ;p
Killian: I heard it was really really bad
Emily: Lol me too, that it wasn't as interesting as it seemed
Killian: Yeah, so why do you still wanna see it?
Emily: To see how bad it is xD

Emily: Makes sense-ical. :) besides, we have each other.
Killian: Which is more than enough
Emily: Ohhh yeahh ;) but really, you're all I need.
Killian: And you're more than I need.

Killian: I love you too much
Emily: Too much?
Killian: Yep. Cuz it can't suck this much to have a 
person you love just enough that faraway.

Emily: I'm glad you do, makes my world spin.
Killian: Really? How does that work?
Emily: It...moves in a weird clockwise motion situation. xD
Killian: I'm glad for your loss
Emily: I'm glad you've lost the game
Killian: But I haven't
Emily: But I seen a rainbow yestuhday!
Killian: So? I still no has a sammich
Emily: A cold glass of sarcasm comin' right up. 
Would you like a hot, steamy bowl of Carlos while you're at it?
Killian: Just for me? How sweet! I'd rather not...
Emily: I think you killed Kenny, which can only mean we're 
not in Kansas anymore. Dammit! It's so fucking sunny in Philadelphia! -melts-
Killian: That's not tasti either
Emily: I'm just randomly quoting things. BUT there's no 
gold at the end of the rainbow. Goooodbye horses.
Killian: Hahaha you're too much babe
Emily: Lol, I know, too much, too little, too late. If I rearrange my room,
we can take these cookies out of the oven two minutes early.

Emily: Shaken not stirred, Watson. xD
Killian: What?

7/1
Killian: I feel...I feel like I've been given something I don't deserve. 
That for once, I have someone I can depend on, and someone that I know 
will always love me too, no matter what. And I don't think I could live without you.
Emily: Really? Why do you think so?
Killian: Because nothing else could ever make me this happy

Emily: I...I'm crazy...I am fucking out of my goddamn 
mind crazy for...you...like...

loved.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 11:00 PM

2

And as I sink, drowning, I fall deeper into love, so deep, that I cannot emerge.

here//here//here//

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 6:04 PM

0

He told me things

And I smiled

I didn't believe,

Never could

Crash, bam, screech

Ouch, painful

Eyes are so bloodshot

No sleep

And a very Merry Unbirthday to you...

Wake up, no, it's no dream

Crashing...falling...oh...

I'm falling

Here and here and here

And everything was so messed up,

But he was okay

Fingers slipping, edge of the bathtub

Can't breathe, no air, no oxygen

Help! Help! Help!

I need somebody...not just anybody...

Drowning

Am I alive?

His hands...big hands...

There and there and there

And everything is so fucked up

But I'm okay

I think

I'm okay

Breathe, hold it, scream, live

Life isn't life without you

No, don't tell me what's wrong

I hate this

Worthless piece of shit

Don't fucking tell me

Can't breathe...without you, but I have to...

No life revolves around you

I don't need you

Eyes, racing back and forth

Where's the time?

Were you chasing it??

FUCK

And everything is so fucked up

But I'm okay

I can't feel my feet

So numb and so lifeless

Skin wrinkling underneath the waves

Can't get out//don't want out

Breathe, can't breathe, no...

Where are you?

My sweet, sweet oxygen

And everything is fucked up,

So fucked up,

And everything is fucked up,

But I'm okay
I'm okay

I'm okay

I'm not okay

...I promise

Computer Deletions.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 5:09 PM

0

Computer deleted my shit off muh flashdrive.

I can vaguely recall your electronic ink filling up the spaces
The computer effortlessly worked to remove your random colors
And I welcomed it with a grim smirk, a furrowed brow, madly thinking of murdering the thing,
The computer, of course
However, I decided to write again, this time with more feeling and comfort
More effort and thought
So here we go again,
This thing entitled “Poems”
It will be written again,
My words seeping into the paper,
Thanking the damned thing for giving me a new start


Needing.
Pale legs moved gracefully as they tangled up the white sheets
The moon’s curious beams trickled through the bedroom window,
Fell victim to the night’s shadows and retreated back into the sky
The sound of her smile pierced the silent emptiness hanging in the air
Her long, dark locks seemed to move by themselves, hugging the pillow tightly
And the darkness that crept into the room swallowed the weak girl before her,
The 32 pills strewn about the floor in between the carpet’s soft teeth
A chill rapidly ran down her spine, and she sat up in bed immediately
Then a hand touched her shoulder lightly; fear tried to coax her back to sleep
Yet, the colorful plethora of pills called out to her
And spoke of some beautiful utopia hidden in the depths of an artificial, temporary slumber, a world she could go to on command
However, it wasn’t the comatose her body yearned for...it was the attention
Every time a tiny capsule scraped her insides,
She became one step closer to what she needed
In her chipped strength, her appetite consisted of attention, craving any bit of affection she could receive
Her feet, with a mind of its own, felt the thick texture of the bedroom carpet
The dim silhouette on the wall reflected the reality of her needs
Bending down to pick up a brightly colored helper, she grinned madly
I crawled that night
My body twisted into mad shapes, contorted into an obscure thing, worked its way through all obstacles before me
My heart worked madly at my form, created a macabre design for me, stepped back and admired the architecture
That was when I came to you in your lowest point
Everything and everyone around me aspired to break me in two
So that night, when you were feeling a bit down, I gave you half of me
Walked through those doors and reached out to you
Grabbed your wrist, my fingers wrapped tightly around them
Pulled you harshly into your messy bed while tears dripped down your face
I held you through the witching hour
Twirled your hair around my fingers and wiped away the drops trickling down your pale cheeks
I held you...loved you...
...as you cried yourself to sleep.

Canvas.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in , , , | Posted on 6:56 PM

1


You were once my canvas,
So blank, dull, colorless
I came alone, armed with my words as my finest medium,
And you sat still, waiting, motionless...silent
And I embraced your apathy
Sensed your discomfort and replaced it
With my own loving hoping you'd respond
But you didn't
Yet I continued to paint my love on you
With pastels and sharp lines
I dug into your white skin,
Dragged my "brush" across your body
Felt the sting in my heart when my paint began to chip
As if it were allergic or aging with every bit of my forced passion
And I violently glared at you
As you rejected me, my loving, my soul
The sound of your silent reply,
The cracking of my once radiant abstract,
The remorse buried beneath the surface of your rough exterior
Laced my body with ice,
Froze me into a permanent statue
Only meant to move for you and you alone,
My words, my paint, fading, leaving you
Blank canvas on the white floor...
...becoming one with the surroundings as my immovable body stands lifelessly
Forever waiting for your heart
My own chambers engraved with your scars...
A product of our one sided affair

Anna.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 9:30 AM

1

A picture of Anna I took

A funny smile welcoming me in
And you're oblivious to your open, fragile heart
My own finds comfort in yours, opening up and letting you in to see the scars
Do you want to?
I'd let you...run your fingers over them,
The scabs on my beating organ
I always seem to be peeling off, never healing
You sit, maybe in fascination
Do you feel like me?
Are we human at all?
I wanna be like you, green eyes with shining words imprinted on them
Your hair pulled back into a ponytail, always so neat and clean
And the strokes you make with your thin pen leave me grinning at your talent
Sometimes I yearn for you, my friend
I wish we were closer in ways you don't know
Do you feel like me?
Are we human at all?
Asleep, your ideas free float in your dreams of metal men with ghost like facades with common names such as Nate
Was i normal before I met you?
Have we ever been such a thing,
This normal we have yet to taste?
Holding your cold hand, I grin at you,
Though I'm sure my brightness only seemed so dull in the presence of your illuminating beauty
And I shiver, goosebumps,
While little rain drops fall from your green mirrors
I only wished to be your friend,
Something more for you,
You needed it
And needed me in a way,
But it was different
There was more to you than what first glances allowed me to see
And I had to know you,
Imperfect soul, devious minded creature
Was I normal before I met you?
Were you normal at all?


And I can't speak
And I can't think
I breathe, and I listen
And I need to hear that you're okay
I need to know that there's more than sadness in you
And some days your soul shines so bright
It fills my emptiness in forms of cute smirks and friendly stares
and I knew, I just knew
You were more than a girl,
You were a friend, someone I could let in
And you've proven me wrong time and time again
Sometimes I lay in the middle of the night thinking
Do we feel the same?
Am I your best friend?
And I want that,
I want you,
Friend, best friend,
Anything
With
Meaning
I see your heart warming hand gestures
And make note of them,
Perhaps learn to love through you...
....perhaps learn to love myself

Burn.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 9:28 AM

1

Darkened patches of skin inform my business to my friends
Their eyes avoid full contact with mine, always curious but never knowing
That I don't conversate with anyone but the blade
Accustomed to the cold shoulder, I fake a smile and walk away, palms active as friction warms them up while I walk into the restroom
A flame appears, burning majestically between my hands
My face jumps in shock at the sudden pain and the realization of my own horrid reflection in the mirror hanging innocently above the sink
I see the fire that sets my hands ablaze, lights my heart with sickening glee
Then I allow the creature to explore my whole body
I stare at my own face,
My whole body now gleaming with the flame's being
Infatuated with my angelic appearance, I stand for several minutes
A girl walks in, sees me, and screams in horror
Teachers and nurses are called, and they quickly put my fire out
Sitting on the hospital gurney I hear people talking about my miracle
Confused, I sit up and look around
I ask a nurse what happened,
She speaks general points of the day before
What's the miracle? I ask
And she nods her head towards my body
And I see my skin,
All perfect as if it were left untouched
The fire was you,
And you would never hurt me
So I got up and walked down the hospital hallways, a burning trail of fire daring anyone to care,
Daring anyone to follow
And risk the chance of getting burned

True Story | this time.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in | Posted on 6:19 PM

1


My half-brother landed his ass in jail today...again, and I'm sure he's been there more than twice. He's addicted to cannabis. I was fine with him doing it until he got caught by the law, on top of that lost his house because the money he borrowed from my father (his real dad) went towards weed instead of bills, and he's just a stupid, gullible fuck.

Here's my rant, my life, my story. Enjoy. I'll probably write more later.

Come, come, I beckon thee
Your mouth burnin' up blunts like a referee
With his lips around a whistle and callin' out fouls
You're boxin' in a ring
Don't wanna throw in the towel
Give up, I say, with this confused look on my face
Following the strings in your DNA to see if it's all a game
Would it prove that the same blood runs
In both of our veins?
Then I look to the man who created us
Not God, don't go there, our father
Who separated us
I find myself hopin' that I'm not like you
Then again we grew up in two different wombs
In different hospital rooms
Where our mothers gave us our lives,
But you wasted your time
And committed the same old crimes
On the outside you seem to be perfectly fine,
A normal forty year old
Carrying some heavy burden inside
Have your eyes had time to dry from crying?
Did you look to the holy ganja because you gave up on trying?
You're flying while your birth-dad's crying
Staying up pondering why his son's always lying
I once, oh once, looked up to you
Then again you were taller,
But I still had faith in you
My love for guitar and music, it's my whole big planet
But you were the one with the seeds,
But didn't plan it
You planted it
Your music always seemed to inspire me the most
It went into my heart, a place where it don't often go
I'm singing and writing, but that's something you'll never know
Just let it go
I've given up on my "brother," constantly going to jail for smokin' dro
Yeah I'm singing and writing, but that's something you'll never know
Something you won't ever get the chance to see
Even now I can't find you in the darkest of my dreams
So it seems
My mind's locked you out and thrown away the key

Armageddon.

Posted by captainlemonberry | Posted in , , | Posted on 6:01 PM

1

A bit of this is inspired by Frank's poem "What's Gonna
Happen?"

You sheltered me in your darkness,
Invited me in when I became lonely and empty
It soon became too bright outside
I couldn't withstand the sun's glare
Or the mocking faces of the others
Your shadows embraced me in a protective cloak
As you hissed at prodding children,
Baring ivory fangs that dared them hungrily
 I didn't understand your disturbed nature
Until I grew up a little,
Up and over you and our relationship
I always thought you were taking care of me
You always seemed to be so vigilant and sensitive
about my feelings
But it wasn't always so
At times I pondered about your vicious intentions
And prayed they weren't true

A few years into our demonic love,
I began to realize your true colors
And wanted to tear away your falsified appearance
Times where you'd once hold me tightly
On some kind of "love-high"
Became moments of forced smiles and lies
So I had enough of it,
I wanted you to see me and have all of me
I was on the bathroom floor,
And held a scalpel in one hand as the other brushed back my hair
To reveal a naked breast
You stared at me intently, drilling holes into my body
And I began to cut my heart out,
Which I held out to you as a peace offering
I wanted the lies to stop growing,
For you to take me in all that I was,
The way it should have been


You grimly frowned and thanked me with your eyes
As you stepped around the puddle of thick, red mess,
Leaving me to weep in my misery, in my blood and
tears
For days I couldn't eat or sleep
I could hardly breathe, either,


You meant for this all along,
You prescribed me a bit of your artificial loving
That I carelessly took, to get that "love-high"
You always seemed to be hyped up about
But in a sense, I overdosed
On it, on you
You occasionally showed up at my place of work,
Bumping into me at supermarkets or clothing stores
Each time with that filthy whore clinging to your arm,
Always making me wonder what you saw in her
I watched her choose a pair of frilly lingerie
And it made me think about her going home to you,
Wearing the stupid thing, prancing about like the slut she so clearly was,
 For she slept around behind your back, tended to men
in the late hours of the night


Fuck,
I sound like a stalker,
Excuse me, mind if I smoke?
-pulls out a cigarette and lights-
You used to smoke all the time,
Now I only do it when I think of you, of us



But I'm assuming that was your point, to tear me
inside and out
And even when I offered you what little of me I had
left,
You seemed disgusted
As if you could no longer play the game you had
convinced me
Was real, as if you couldn't stand the sight
Of the girl you once "loved"
Or whatever it was
Infatuation? Lust?
It was sickening, the sorry excuse for affection you had

You knew I wouldn't be able to stand alone
You left me very much unstable 
And had treated me like your dark princess
In a gloomy palace, 
Where I'd learn to become codependent by default
And even now I can barely stand the thought of myself
Due to you and your disappearing, 
In and out of my life
Popping up when you felt need be,
You knew you were hurting me


And you left me, to fend for myself in the sunlight,
But it's alright
My new lover has sworn our bond to secrecy,
A magic poison sealing our fate to each other,
Putting our lives in each others hands


He strengthens me in his light,
Invites me out when I become dark and lurid
I soak in all the brightness
And welcome in the sun's glare
And the childishly amusing faces of the others
His radiance embraces me in a glorifying gown,
As he smiles at curious children,
Baring his heart on his sleeve that speak to them lovingly

And for once,
My whole world has been illuminated,
As it should be
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